Just because we don’t share any DNA, does not mean they aren’t REAL family. Intentions, heart, and attitude have proven at times to be stronger than most I’ve known from people with whom I do share DNA. Following the suicide of my biological father - a man whom I adored and have only fond memories of, when I was five years old, I thought that my opportunity for having a dad was gone. But, a few years later my mom married a guy who has become a constant and loyal friend, protector, confidant and teacher. When I first learned that my mom was going to be remarrying, I was faced with a number of choices. What would I call him? Would he adopt me? Would I take his last name? It was a confusing time. But, even though I was only 8 or 9, he understood that I needed to make those choices and gave me every opportunity to work them out on my own. In the end, because my relationship with my biological father had been so strong, and the number of things I had left that had been his was few, I decided not to take my step dad's last name or be adopted. However, I did decide that what I would call him was “dad”... Not step-dad, just dad. (I also call his daughters my sisters. Although, we would all agree that we each thought of the other as an evil step-sister at times. I call his incredible mom my Grandma, etc.) He acted like a dad in every sense of the word. He helped provide for me, make sure I had clothes and food, and provide discipline when needed. He taught me to drive, slipped me money to go shopping with a friend without my mom knowing, and later when I was learning how to drink picked me up at 2 am on a couple of occasions without a word. He was tough but fair, reliable but a jokester. As time went on, my mother and I saw eye-to-eye less and less for a variety of reasons that I won’t go into. However, my dad was always there to lend an ear, offer insight, and provide the voice of reason in a way that I could hear. Today I do not speak with my mother, but do talk to my dad at least once a week. I will be forever grateful to the man who stepped in and how he helped shape my life into what it is today. He did not provide any DNA, but I know that his love for me is endless. Part of me believes that because I did not ever see him as a second-class parent the barriers to loving him were less. I was able to see his effort and appreciate them from the outset. Don’t get me wrong, he had his faults and made mistakes. His choices were confusing and hurt me more than once, but in the end, I know that his intention and heart were always thinking about what was in my best interest.
As a step-mom, I have always looked to that relationship and how he treated me as a guide to loving my own kiddos. Much like with my dad I do not call my step-kids anything other than “my kids“ even though they are quick to point out that I’m not their “real mom” to anyone who will listen. The sting of those words never goes away, no matter how many times I’ve heard it. I don’t have any desire to replace their mother or compete with her. But, from the beginning, I adored my kids and wanted to show them that another human in their life loved them. I often disagree with how we all co-parent, and from the start wished there had been more unity between the two houses instead of division and triangulation, but that wasn’t reality. It wasn’t fair to my husband to be the middleman, and it caused significant damage to our marriage. However, in the end, I know that much like my dad the title and name don’t matter. It’s the relationships that matter in the end. My intentions and heart are always thinking about what’s in the best interest of my kids and how I could help raise them into successful adults. When I think of the role my dad and kids have played in my life, I think that who I am and what I have learned from them have changed me for good. Xo, Michelle
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AuthorI'm Michelle, and I've got a full plate! As a full-time dietetics student, step-mom, wife, study coach, and tutor in my late 30's, some days I'm barely scraping by. But, no matter what is on my plate, it's always gluten free! Categories
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August 2020
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