Most days I work really hard to be in alignment and balance in all parts of my life. It’s not easy. The stakes are high, and have cost me relationships and some pretty tough work on occasion. But for me, it’s a necessary thing. If I don’t work hard at those things the outcomes are a nightmare. The choices are self destructive and impulsive and reactionary, all in response to my internal sense of not being okay. Like, probably 80% of the time I am walking around looking perfectly normal on the outside while my insides are on high alert. It's just my reality, a reality that seems as much a part of me as the scar on my right palm. Here we are in the midst of a global pandemic, and yet remarkably I'm fairly calm.. A couple of articles have recently come out saying that CPTSD survivors, and those in 12 step programs, as well as step-moms are among the people that are best adapting to today's circumstances. not to brag, but I've got all three bases covered. But the path to having the coping skills to get here hasn't been pretty - unless you mean, pretty awful!! In the fall of 2016 while the nation was trying to tell truth from lies so that we could elect a leader for the next four years, I was recovering from a car accident. The car had been totaled, and between the pain in my lower back, fear of being back in a car, difficulty walking more than 15 feet, and the pressure I felt to get back to work - I was feeling a smidgen crazy. What I didn't know at that time was that the car accident had dislodged a fuckton (yes, it is an actual measurement) of trauma from my past. Somehow, it was as if an avalanche was forming in the background. Looking back, there were signs... The day I sat in Chipotle with my favorite coworkers and literally stopped hearing any voices in the loud restaurant as hard as I tried... The general lack of direction or focus on simple tasks... Crying at everything... The feeling that I could disappear and nobody would notice... My complete inability to be grateful for anything... I was slowly becoming more and more not okay. When I look back, I was obviously holding ot all together with a zip tie, duct tape and a shoelace. Not very good tools when other lives are being affected, and certainly not a good look. Fast forward to about one year after the accident and I was acutely aware that things were becoming intolerable. The car insurance companies were playing games, medical bills had piled up, I was failing a class, having terrible nightmares, and my heart was racing so hard that no breathing exercises could help to slow things down. I would lay in bed, heart pounding so hard it was deafening. I was terrified. So, I did the only thing I knew how to do. I asked for help. I called my healthcare provider and told them that I needed to see someone. Today!!! They provided me with an address and said that appointments were not an option, so I would have to go in and wait. It wasn't very long before I was hearing about something called ACES (adverse childhood experiences) and their effects. Don't get me wrong, I knew that stuff had happened, but honestly, I thought stuff happened to all kids. Okay, yeah, I had seen people being hit.. Hell, I was hit plenty of times. CPS doesn’t come to your school and interview you about how your mom treats you for no reason. And, I knew that not everyone had a father who had committed suicide.. But, there was no way it was that bad. Right!? Except that it was. My score is greater than a 4. In fact, it's double that. There is no data that I can find to say how many people have a similar score, but I can say that only 12.5% of the population has 4 or more. Want to know your score, click here. Here's the thing, I am more than just an ACE score. I am more than someone whose immune system is compromised because of toxic stress levels over a significant time-span, any labels, or titles. I am more than my circumstances. There are still a lot of days, even now, when I am not okay. Healing is not a linear process. Recovery for someone with complex PTSD is not a cakewalk. But, I have tools and a great group of spiritually sound women in my corner. I have a husband who loves me and supports me in this life even on the days he doesn't understand a daggone thing I do. So, if you are feeling not okay please know that chances are I am over here struggling and not okay too. Being a human among other hurting humans means we get banged up. We fall down. (some more than others) But, we always have the opportunity to own the yuck and share with the people who have earned the right to know our truth, wipe off the tears, and practice compassion with ourselves. Just remember - It's okay to not be okay. If you want to know more about ACES, check out the CDC's website - click here Healing is possible, but the only way to the other side of it is through the pain. Its rough work, but the payoffs are incredible. Xo, Michelle
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I hear people talking all the time about how they wish they could go back and be young again. It is one thing that has NEVER sounded like an enticing idea to me - not even for one minute! You see, my childhood was pretty full of loss, sadness and feelings of loneliness. Those things take time to process and get healing from when you don't have the right kinds of support and early intervention. And the tripping and falling and bumps and bruises that come with the healing process can be just as painful. Take for instance the time I lived with my aunt and uncle in Michigan for 3 months at the age of 20. I had looked at the community college there and had hoped to start a new life full of promise away from my childhood. But, I had no tools to handle that moment when my aunt told me that I had disappointed her with my behavior. Coupled with the sticker shock of non-resident tuition and a retail job I dreaded having to go to, it just seemed easier to go back "home" to California. When I think of that moment - when I decided to "go home" - it had FEAR written all over it! As in my favorite acronym for the word, "f**k everything and RUN"!! The better choice may have been to "face everything and rise".. but I wasn't in a place of healing. Fast forward to this year, for my 39th birthday - landing in Detroit and seeing this same aunt and having so much joy in my heart. It was the first time we had been eyeball to eyeball since the day before I moved away from her house. We spent some really nice quality time together and I got to sit with her and tell her that I was broken and handled the situation poorly. A lot of the same situations have happened throughout the years. With life lived I have also gained wisdom. That wisdom translates into humility (not humiliation), new behaviors, goals, and amends being made. I like being the woman I am today. I like knowing that I have tools to do things and handle situations in new ways without throwing pity parties of one. I love being 39! And, I love that my soul is finally settling into a high quality existence that in some places would be defined as "fine" We all have our fair share of good days and bad, but sometimes they all seem like bad days when we lose perspective. That's why keeping trackers is helpful. One of my best girls has been struggling a lot lately with feeling unsupported by those around her. I have been there and done that! As a step-mom there are a LOT of days that I feel alone in my struggles, especially with the teens acting like teens! So, in an effort to help while staying in my hula-hoop, I decided to create a tracker for the both of us to use! Why, because I take a whole bunch of science classes for my major, and science requires data to see trends and provide evidence for the "truth".. Our feelings are rarely based on facts. The idea is to make it simple. At the top, just make a dot above the day of the month in the region that feels most accurate for the day. Then, on the bottom, make notes about specific events. This can be as simple as "asked for this thing I needed" or even "so-and-so made a snarky comment". No matter what the note, they can help provide added insights into what's at the root of the issue.
Joining support groups can be helpful, but don't always help us to really see the truth of our circumstances. I can honestly tell you that there are days when they save my ass a whole lot! If you need a little perspective, feel free to download your own copy using the button above. The thing about tutoring.. Well, there are lots of things, but the thing I love the MOST about being a tutor is watching the evolution of students. So darned many of them walk in the first time with a giant pile of excuses as to why they won't be able to pass the class and I basically tell them that "we don't do that here", so if they wanna whine they might need to find someone else. The people that stick around are the ones that really want it! They are willing to go through the hard crap, fight through the shitty quiz and exam scores and make it to the week before the final when often times I am helping them figure out their possibilities of getting a passing grade. This past week we had a potluck where we celebrated how far they had come this semester and we talked about what was going to be on the final.
It was bittersweet. But at the end of the day I am sooooooooo beyond proud of all of my students because they TRIED! There are hundreds of their classmates who did not make it to the end of the semester because it was just "too hard"... So I will say it again.. I am proud of them for trying, because even if they fail, it is just a first attempt in learning and they made it farther than even they though that they could! CONGRATULATIONS! Xo, Michelle Have you ever had one of those days where you look around and just realize that there is magic happening all around you?
As I was walking through my school’s campus the other day I realized that there are people who work behind the scenes to make everything perfect. The night before I had spent almost 45 minutes raking leaves off of my driveway and sidewalk because a rain had made most of the leaves fall off the tree in front of my house. When I got to school the next morning, I didn’t realize it first, but soon noticed that someone had cleaned up every single walking path on my campus. It was like magic! When I looked around, I could see that there were leaves on the grassy areas, but not on the walking paths. That’s when I began thinking about all of the things we take for granted daily. Trash cans being emptied, the lights in the quad coming on when it gets dark, toilet paper on the roll no matter how many students have been in the bathroom that day.. The list is sooooooo long. Perhaps this holiday season, as we think about all of the things on our wishlist, we can counter those thoughts with gratitude for all of the things we have, but just don’t take the time to recognize. We have so so much to be thankful for. This year, there are an infinite number of unsung heroes behind the scenes that we can recognize, not with wrapped gifts, but with simple words. Thank You!! One night in March of this year, I popped over to my Grandma's house to see her after learning that she hadn't been feeling too hot in the few days before, that she had fallen, and was really having a hard time. Being close to her, I wanted to see for myself. What I saw when I walked in the door was not expected at all. She looked like my grandma - but not really - and she sort of sounded like my Grandma, but even that was debatable. Something was wrong! Turns out that after 3 trips to the ER, countless calls to her regular Dr, and an MRI of her head and neck, the problem revealed itself. She had been having strokes. Not just one, but at least 4! One of them had done some pretty significant damage and was the reason for her neurological symptoms which had previously been chalked up to a pinched nerve. With the problem now known, we could begin a course for rehabilitation. A little background.... To know my Grandmother is to know that she is about as stubborn as a mule having a bad day. She will tell you her mother was the most stubborn woman to live, but her sister Belle has confirmed that my Grandma Lila is in fact the winner of the title. She does it with grace and dignity. But I learned early on that she didn't take any bull, and standing about 5 foot tall she can still grab me by the ear to get my attention if she wants to and I'm not taking my chances on that one. So, when I heard her telling me things like "I've outlived my usefulness" and other thoughts she was having shortly thereafter while in the skilled nursing facility, I fought back some serious tears. Call me selfish, but I wasn't ready to lose her from my life! This was a woman who had lived through some incredibly difficult times, and from where I stood it looked like a mole-hill rather than a mountain. Eventually her outlook improved as she began taking steps again and being able to do more and more for herself. Occupational, physical and speech therapists worked with her daily. She was regaining her resilient spirit with every week. I knew that my aunt had been a care-taker for her quadriplegic ex-husband for about 20 years, and that she was more qualified than most to step into the job, but that she would need "me" breaks. So, I signed up to take a couple days a week in the evening so that she could get out and do things while Grandma needed 24 hour care over then next few months. A couple months back on one of my regular Monday night visits to see my Grandma, enjoy her company, and hang out so my aunt could take a break and get to her bible study class, she and I got to talking about something in October. Her response was "I might not be here"... Ummmm, excuse me? Where would you be going? Why? Did you talk to the Dr and get a prognosis I am unaware of? Turns out the reason was quite simple. My aunt who lives with Grandma full time has been planning a cross-country road-trip to see her kiddos and grand-kiddos in the midwest and it was looking like there would be 6 weeks where Grandma was going to be uprooted from her home. Perhaps I'm nuts, but my immediate response was to ask her, "Is that what you want to do"? At the time she honestly did not see any other options. Only one of her kids had a house that had a ramp to get in and out, grab-bars in the shower and an extra room for her to stay in. I gave her another option - I could come to her house and stay there with her so that she could stay at home. At first she argued because she knows that I have a full plate, but eventually decided it was the best option. And that's why earlier this month, I moved in with my grandma.
Test anxiety - it's a real thing. Some people even have a trauma response to quizzes and exams. When this happens their "minds go blank", they hyper-focus on something trivial, or in rare cases have panic attacks. Their brains play tricks on them and instead of being able to stay in their frontal lobes, the amygdala takes over and produces a fight, flight, or freeze response. Has that ever happened to you? Because I have received some pretty intensive therapy in my day, my understanding of this has been necessary to overcome some of my personal trauma. No, I am not a shrink. I do not have a license to give medical or psychological advice, but I do have a method that I use, have taught many students, and have found to be helpful. A SuggestionThis method only works for me and others that I know who use it because we practice it when we are NOT taking an exam. We practice it when we are doing homework and feel our bodies shifting. We start to feel our hearts racing, curse words slipping through our teeth, shoulders tightening, tingling in our arms or shoulders.. something physically happening. We practice looking for "the tell". When we feel the tell coming on, we do the method below. Then we continue what we are doing. It becomes a habit. I find myself doing it in the car while my husband is driving, or when dealing with a particularly difficult person in my life. It gets be back into the here. It brings me back to NOW! THe MethodPlace both feet on the floor in front of you. Put down anything in your hands, Place your palms on the table in front of you or on the tops of your thighs. Close your eyes. Take a big, deep breath in. Then let it out.. Repeat twice more. Silently, to yourself, say the words "I've got this." Do you believe the words? If not, take another breath in and let it out. Try the words again. Only reopen your eyes when you truly believe the words. When you reopen your eyes, things might seem a little more manageable. This is not a cure-all, and definitely takes some practice before the exam for it to work, but if it can peel me off the roof when I have all but climbed out of my skin and up the walls, maybe it can help you too. Xo, Michelle I was raised by my parents in the Lutheran faith. From grades K-8th, I attended Lutheran school nearly every year, participating in chapel services, church, religious studies, catechism, communion.. the works. I know about the bible and its message better than many, and have wrestled with my beliefs on more than one occasion. Those questions have led me to be labeled a "New Christian" and other things mostly because I did not have blind faith and often questioned things.
Ultimately, I decided that following a number of interactions with people who professed faith, but did not live by their own proclaimed doctrine, that I could no longer consider myself of any particular religion. During my life I have been the subject of abuse by various people who have had leadership in the churches I attended. People are fallible and the church is run by people. |
AuthorI'm Michelle, and I've got a full plate! As a full-time dietetics student, step-mom, wife, study coach, and tutor in my late 30's, some days I'm barely scraping by. But, no matter what is on my plate, it's always gluten free! Categories
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