During the pandemic I took a post-semester road-trip to Las Vegas and stayed with my friend Liz for about 3 weeks. One day wanting to get out of the house once things had officially reopened, we donned our masks and walked through IKEA. It was there that we were inspired to recreate a piece of artwork we had seen in one of the little showrooms. It literally looks like a stick that they had tied ribbon onto. So, as we were passing through the plants department just before the warehouse started, we noticed some decorative kinda curly sticks and picked them up. That was the base. Next, we looked at the fabric scraps we had following our exciting mask-making adventures and came up with a color scheme. Not having quite enough texture, I took a trip to Jo-Ann Fabric and scrounged around In the clearance department to find some other items to finish things up. I scored some amazing deals purchased an eighth of a yard of a couple of fabric as well as spools of ribbon and skeins of yarn. (And maybe I got a few more quarters and such to make more masks with) I knew that I really wanted there to be cohesiveness, but not a mirroring on each side. The idea of it being a little bit longer then on each side was quite appealing as well. So, I worked from the middle and slowly added bits of fabric, lace, ribbon, and yarn until I was satisfied with the way it looked. Then, I cut pieces that needed to be cut before hanging it on the wall.
Normally I would not call myself very crafty, but in this case, I think I pulled it off!!
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Most days I work really hard to be in alignment and balance in all parts of my life. It’s not easy. The stakes are high, and have cost me relationships and some pretty tough work on occasion. But for me, it’s a necessary thing. If I don’t work hard at those things the outcomes are a nightmare. The choices are self destructive and impulsive and reactionary, all in response to my internal sense of not being okay. Like, probably 80% of the time I am walking around looking perfectly normal on the outside while my insides are on high alert. It's just my reality, a reality that seems as much a part of me as the scar on my right palm. Here we are in the midst of a global pandemic, and yet remarkably I'm fairly calm.. A couple of articles have recently come out saying that CPTSD survivors, and those in 12 step programs, as well as step-moms are among the people that are best adapting to today's circumstances. not to brag, but I've got all three bases covered. But the path to having the coping skills to get here hasn't been pretty - unless you mean, pretty awful!! In the fall of 2016 while the nation was trying to tell truth from lies so that we could elect a leader for the next four years, I was recovering from a car accident. The car had been totaled, and between the pain in my lower back, fear of being back in a car, difficulty walking more than 15 feet, and the pressure I felt to get back to work - I was feeling a smidgen crazy. What I didn't know at that time was that the car accident had dislodged a fuckton (yes, it is an actual measurement) of trauma from my past. Somehow, it was as if an avalanche was forming in the background. Looking back, there were signs... The day I sat in Chipotle with my favorite coworkers and literally stopped hearing any voices in the loud restaurant as hard as I tried... The general lack of direction or focus on simple tasks... Crying at everything... The feeling that I could disappear and nobody would notice... My complete inability to be grateful for anything... I was slowly becoming more and more not okay. When I look back, I was obviously holding ot all together with a zip tie, duct tape and a shoelace. Not very good tools when other lives are being affected, and certainly not a good look. Fast forward to about one year after the accident and I was acutely aware that things were becoming intolerable. The car insurance companies were playing games, medical bills had piled up, I was failing a class, having terrible nightmares, and my heart was racing so hard that no breathing exercises could help to slow things down. I would lay in bed, heart pounding so hard it was deafening. I was terrified. So, I did the only thing I knew how to do. I asked for help. I called my healthcare provider and told them that I needed to see someone. Today!!! They provided me with an address and said that appointments were not an option, so I would have to go in and wait. It wasn't very long before I was hearing about something called ACES (adverse childhood experiences) and their effects. Don't get me wrong, I knew that stuff had happened, but honestly, I thought stuff happened to all kids. Okay, yeah, I had seen people being hit.. Hell, I was hit plenty of times. CPS doesn’t come to your school and interview you about how your mom treats you for no reason. And, I knew that not everyone had a father who had committed suicide.. But, there was no way it was that bad. Right!? Except that it was. My score is greater than a 4. In fact, it's double that. There is no data that I can find to say how many people have a similar score, but I can say that only 12.5% of the population has 4 or more. Want to know your score, click here. Here's the thing, I am more than just an ACE score. I am more than someone whose immune system is compromised because of toxic stress levels over a significant time-span, any labels, or titles. I am more than my circumstances. There are still a lot of days, even now, when I am not okay. Healing is not a linear process. Recovery for someone with complex PTSD is not a cakewalk. But, I have tools and a great group of spiritually sound women in my corner. I have a husband who loves me and supports me in this life even on the days he doesn't understand a daggone thing I do. So, if you are feeling not okay please know that chances are I am over here struggling and not okay too. Being a human among other hurting humans means we get banged up. We fall down. (some more than others) But, we always have the opportunity to own the yuck and share with the people who have earned the right to know our truth, wipe off the tears, and practice compassion with ourselves. Just remember - It's okay to not be okay. If you want to know more about ACES, check out the CDC's website - click here Healing is possible, but the only way to the other side of it is through the pain. Its rough work, but the payoffs are incredible. Xo, Michelle We all have our fair share of good days and bad, but sometimes they all seem like bad days when we lose perspective. That's why keeping trackers is helpful. One of my best girls has been struggling a lot lately with feeling unsupported by those around her. I have been there and done that! As a step-mom there are a LOT of days that I feel alone in my struggles, especially with the teens acting like teens! So, in an effort to help while staying in my hula-hoop, I decided to create a tracker for the both of us to use! Why, because I take a whole bunch of science classes for my major, and science requires data to see trends and provide evidence for the "truth".. Our feelings are rarely based on facts. The idea is to make it simple. At the top, just make a dot above the day of the month in the region that feels most accurate for the day. Then, on the bottom, make notes about specific events. This can be as simple as "asked for this thing I needed" or even "so-and-so made a snarky comment". No matter what the note, they can help provide added insights into what's at the root of the issue.
Joining support groups can be helpful, but don't always help us to really see the truth of our circumstances. I can honestly tell you that there are days when they save my ass a whole lot! If you need a little perspective, feel free to download your own copy using the button above. The thing about tutoring.. Well, there are lots of things, but the thing I love the MOST about being a tutor is watching the evolution of students. So darned many of them walk in the first time with a giant pile of excuses as to why they won't be able to pass the class and I basically tell them that "we don't do that here", so if they wanna whine they might need to find someone else. The people that stick around are the ones that really want it! They are willing to go through the hard crap, fight through the shitty quiz and exam scores and make it to the week before the final when often times I am helping them figure out their possibilities of getting a passing grade. This past week we had a potluck where we celebrated how far they had come this semester and we talked about what was going to be on the final.
It was bittersweet. But at the end of the day I am sooooooooo beyond proud of all of my students because they TRIED! There are hundreds of their classmates who did not make it to the end of the semester because it was just "too hard"... So I will say it again.. I am proud of them for trying, because even if they fail, it is just a first attempt in learning and they made it farther than even they though that they could! CONGRATULATIONS! Xo, Michelle Have you ever had one of those days where you look around and just realize that there is magic happening all around you?
As I was walking through my school’s campus the other day I realized that there are people who work behind the scenes to make everything perfect. The night before I had spent almost 45 minutes raking leaves off of my driveway and sidewalk because a rain had made most of the leaves fall off the tree in front of my house. When I got to school the next morning, I didn’t realize it first, but soon noticed that someone had cleaned up every single walking path on my campus. It was like magic! When I looked around, I could see that there were leaves on the grassy areas, but not on the walking paths. That’s when I began thinking about all of the things we take for granted daily. Trash cans being emptied, the lights in the quad coming on when it gets dark, toilet paper on the roll no matter how many students have been in the bathroom that day.. The list is sooooooo long. Perhaps this holiday season, as we think about all of the things on our wishlist, we can counter those thoughts with gratitude for all of the things we have, but just don’t take the time to recognize. We have so so much to be thankful for. This year, there are an infinite number of unsung heroes behind the scenes that we can recognize, not with wrapped gifts, but with simple words. Thank You!! Sometimes a quote just sticks in your memory.. this one has been one of my favorites for so many years. It's been one of those ideals for relationships I have kept close, and one day I hope to live this wholeheartedly. In High School I had a shirt that had a version of this quote on it, and I loved wearing it. The message is so simple. We are individuals. Each of us has our own compass and set of internal things that make us tick. Imposing our will on others and expecting them to be who we think they should be is a bit loony.
One of my favorite things about the Hubs and I is that we both have our own interests and activities and friends, but also enjoy coming together and spending time with one another and the kiddos. Often I still spend a couple of nights away house-sitting for friends and family while he holds the fort down. At other times he volunteers for coaching or some other thing that takes him away while I hold things down. It’s tough to let go of expectations of one another, and we frequently falter there, but we also work to to find compromise where we can. We are getting better year by year at talking about things in advance so that our boundaries and limits can be observed by one another. Life doesn't come with an instruction book, but quotes like this sometimes feel like they could be part of that manual and be words to live by. Xo, Michelle This semester I started something new. I began tutoring in a group setting, not just for individuals. It was something I had participated in as a student while in the same class, so I knew the general format. Working with the Chemistry Department faculty, I helped students to continue their learning via worksheets which follow the curriculum carefully. There have been a few consistent students and others who pop in before an exam or quiz. Each session seems to start with me asking what they covered in the introductory lecture to be sure we are working with the proper materials, and then I take the temperature of each student's understanding. Often, participants feel lost and confused at the beginning, but when they leave for the day have built up confidence and knowledge. We all leave feeling like the past 2 hours were productive, and I often realize how much better even I grasp the materials after the session. To say that my confidence in the subject of chemistry has improved substantially would be an understatement. Recently I took my timecard to the supervising professor for her signature and was asked for my home address. I was confused but obliged. As I was writing, she explained that it was something necessary so that I could receive proper notice of an award for which she had nominated me and which I would be receiving in the coming weeks. I was dumbfounded and speechless. Anyone who knows me can attest to the fact that I rarely have nothing to say. However, I became so overcome with humility, surprise, and emotion that only tears were surfacing. She proceeded, with the help of another Professor to explain that the award is an acknowledgment of not only my tutoring efforts but also because of the personal obstacles I have worked to overcome as I continue my education. Today, I received that award at a luncheon along with a scholarship to apply to future courses and materials. My photo was taken and will be posted for the next year as a leader in Chemistry at my school. I am still in disbelief that I have received this honor, but find myself seeing the future much brighter as I look ahead knowing that those students are joining me in this success and are the reason I enjoyed this semester so much. I’m grateful to have my solid support system who help keep me moving forward when I want to quit.
Xo, Michelle I don't know about you, but scholarship season has been happening for me with many of the deadlines completing on March 1st. Part of me initially thought that there was no way I would get awarded any of them, but eventually I had a sit-down chat with myself and explained that there was no way to know unless I tried. Throughout the process, I found that I had to really get in touch with, and own my story. People always say that who you are makes you different from everyone else. Most of the time it just sounds like a cliche, but when it comes to scholarships or applying for a job or any other new opportunities, if we do not own who we are we miss out! It's not easy to talk about the things that I tried to convey, things reserved only for those that are trusted. But the scholarship process forced me to really explore what makes me unique, the combination of life experiences that are uniquely mine. It’s not a competition or comparison, just owning it. To say that my life has been perfect and I grew up without any negative effects would be one big fat lie. I struggled. A forking LOT! I struggled being the kid in Kindergarten trying to enjoy recess when a classmate asked me what it was like to “have your daddy die”. I struggled with fitting in while wearing glasses, braces and a perm all at once. Oh, the 90’s. I struggled to be the one who got called out of class to talk to CPS because my mother had slapped me in the face on school campus where people saw it. I struggled with academics because of the chaos at home and an immune system that did not function at full force which made me miss a ton of class. I struggled with grown men propositioning me for sex as a teenager. Some of whom were my parents’ friends. I struggled to understand why I was so underweight and got made fun of for being the “skinny girl” I struggled to make it look like I had it all together while I was falling apart inside. So, when it came time to write about some of the obstacles I have overcome in my life, I wondered how I could talk about any of that without sounding like a whining whiner. And then I remembered a time when I was in a group setting and told a small part of my story. After doing so, I had a man in a wheelchair tell me thank you for my honesty, because he “never knew pretty people had problems too”. No joke.. Exact words. That voice in my head reminded me that I know how to tell my story in a way that talks about the hope others can have knowing they are not alone in struggle. As I was writing, I focused on what I have learned from those experiences, not how I have been hardened by them, but instead the doors of opportunity they opened for me to become the woman I am today. Because without those experiences, I don’t know that I would care about some things as passionately as I do, and be as resilient and relentless and focused on building a better life. I don't know that it would be as passionate about helping other people who struggle, or find so much joy in explaining that it’s OK to be different. Most of all, I know that I do not have to be ashamed of my struggles. When I embrace them, own them, and let them be, I become a little more free to be uniquely me., |
AuthorI'm Michelle, and I've got a full plate! As a full-time dietetics student, step-mom, wife, study coach, and tutor in my late 30's, some days I'm barely scraping by. But, no matter what is on my plate, it's always gluten free! Categories
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