It is the middle of the semester. The point where the newness has worn off, midterms are happening and the end is too far in the distance to see the finish line. It's the part where when asked how I'm doing I say with a scrunched up face, "exhausted", "busy", or simply let out a groan. I'm behind on laundry and chores, I'm cranky with my husband and the kids, with a side of yelling when I reach my limit. It's not always pretty. As a busy student, I neither have the time nor the desire to read a single word that I do not absolutely have to. So, instead I borrow audio-books from the library and listen to them on my commute to and from school or work. Recently I was listening to Brene Brown's Rising Strong, and was struck by the part that talked about not being able to skip the middle. It's the part where we do something she calls the "rumble". As I listen to myself and others talking about how we don't have the time, feel overwhelmed and begin blaming professors for stalled learning, it's clear we are in the middle. We need to take a look at our narratives closely.
Personally this is where I need to look at that story in my head, planted in 5th grade that said I would never be in the medical field, because I wasn't good enough at math or science. It was a lie then, and it is still a lie today. Somehow though, when I get tired, frustrated, and haven't been taking care of my emotional health, the message resurfaces. In those moments I cannot see my accomplishments, the people around me who love me, or even how funny a TV show is. I can only hear that old tape. The lens through which I see myself is unnecessarily dark; it's filled with shame and fear and frustration. Every load of laundry left undone, toilet left un-scrubbed, and point missed on a quiz all of the sudden look like a thousand ways I am a failure. I lose perspective. Listening to Brene, I was reminded that it is in these moments perhaps I need to get more creative. Instead of moving ahead with the status quo, I need to tap into my vulnerability. Maybe I need to look at my husband and tell him that I need help with the laundry. Perhaps, instead of blaming the professor for why I "don't get it", he sucks, and I'm going to fail, I can look at my part and accept responsibility for the fact that I'm not up with the reading or homework, and regather focus. The middle of the semester is the part where we have lost motivation, but need to find it again. For me, this means looking at Brene's words and searching for healthy answers through setting boundaries, asking for help, staying accountable, looking at my shitty self-talk, and reconnecting with my husband and tribe. Today I will give myself permission to feel the struggle, recognize the story, and then decide how it ends.
2 Comments
Randy
10/19/2018 10:13:53 pm
Keep it up.
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Deelee
10/20/2018 12:12:01 pm
Thank you for so clearly pointing out where the threads of all the “parts” of life weave together. I’m delighted subscribe!! ❤️🙌🏻
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AuthorI'm Michelle, and I've got a full plate! As a full-time dietetics student, step-mom, wife, study coach, and tutor in my late 30's, some days I'm barely scraping by. But, no matter what is on my plate, it's always gluten free! Categories
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