Often we make choices in life based on what the easiest thing would be, not what would be in our best interest. We avoid hard work and take the path of least resistance. We do this, and then later wonder why life is not as fulfilling as we had hoped. I guess we refused to listen when we were told that "there is no such thing as a free lunch". I know - I've been that person a number of times in my life. I stayed in relationships that were not serving me because I didn't know who I was without them. I allowed jobs that did not pay me what I was worth to have more than they paid for because the fight seemed too tough. The thing is, I also stayed stagnant and unfulfilled. I complained that life had dealt me a bad hand so that I could be the victim of my circumstances and not have to take personal responsibility for how my life was evolving or heading. I thought that doing hard things was a drag. As a student who made the choice to come back to college after nearly 20 years, I can say honestly that it is one of the hardest things I have ever done. But, it is also one of the best things I ever did because it has helped me to grow exponentially. Today I GET to do hard things! Taking risks, struggling, climbing to the top of the mountain. Those mountains were meant to be climbed! People sometimes ask what I get out of this journey, and this is what I have to say: A Second Chance - When I was a kid, I took school for granted slacking off on homework, doing great on exams and the standardized testing, but bringing home a sub-par GPA (C+ average). I made excuses and kept terrible study habits. Being in school again has allowed me to find focus and re-learn how to learn, study, and get much better grades (A- average). I'm even part of the honor society at my school which is a huge departure from my younger self. Personal Growth - Doing the work to deal with my demons so that I can be present in my life today has been suuuuuuuuper uncomfortable. I have had to look at things that had been buried deep in my soul, dust them off, explore, and then resolve the things that left me paralyzed. Those thing are the things that told me that I did not deserve to go back to school, and that leaving my husband to be responsible for our finances while I did this 'selfish' thing was totally not okay. The truth is, it has been good for both of us; we have learned more about ourselves in the process and been forced to ask for help. Fiscal Responsibility - Going from a dual income family to a single forced us to make some changes. Prior to my going back to school my husband and I had separate finances - without me bring home any bacon, we had to learn to communicate about money and get on the same page. Remarkably, both of us have better credit scores than we did when we were both working because we have more respect for the money we make. Giving Back - When I enrolled full time at the community college, I had been humbled by years of the corporate climb and was burnt out. The one thing I knew more than anything was that I had something to give mostly by way of perspective. As a tutor, I get to help students struggling with their studies and remind them of the things that really matter. Physical Health - If there is one thing that suffered the most in my former life, it was my physical health. I sat for 8+ hours a day only getting up to eat, use the washroom, or get another cup of coffee. The food I was ingesting was mostly healthy, but I often made choices of convenience, not health. Today, I bring food with me to school and am too cheap to pay for a parking permit and play the parking lot game, so I park quite a ways away and walk - most days I get north of 8k steps which is about 5k more than when I was working. Balance - This blog is all about how I have a full plate and live a life without gluten. Knowing that I have only 168 hours in a week has been one of the most freeing discoveries because it forced me to look at how I was using my time and reallocate. When I make my schedule, it is important to me that I can not only get through the semester with good academics, but without a mental breakdown as well. Every semester I try to take one elective, one tough as nails class, one online and be able to work as well. That elective and online class will have work, but because I pair them with a class that takes a lot more time, I can plan my time at home more effectively knowing that the tough as nails class takes first priority and then fill in with the other things. More Self Confidence - At the end of every single day, I get to enjoy putting my head on the pillow knowing that I tried my hardest, accomplished something (finishing that 5 page paper), and lived to tell. There is nothing like the pride of knowing that my classmates, professors, boss, friends, husband and kids can count on me to come through for them with my best effort. Doing the hard things - the things that have moved me out of my comfort zone - those are the things in my life that I look back on and have the MOST gratitude for. Xo, Michelle
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Sometimes a quote just sticks in your memory.. this one has been one of my favorites for so many years. It's been one of those ideals for relationships I have kept close, and one day I hope to live this wholeheartedly. In High School I had a shirt that had a version of this quote on it, and I loved wearing it. The message is so simple. We are individuals. Each of us has our own compass and set of internal things that make us tick. Imposing our will on others and expecting them to be who we think they should be is a bit loony.
One of my favorite things about the Hubs and I is that we both have our own interests and activities and friends, but also enjoy coming together and spending time with one another and the kiddos. Often I still spend a couple of nights away house-sitting for friends and family while he holds the fort down. At other times he volunteers for coaching or some other thing that takes him away while I hold things down. It’s tough to let go of expectations of one another, and we frequently falter there, but we also work to to find compromise where we can. We are getting better year by year at talking about things in advance so that our boundaries and limits can be observed by one another. Life doesn't come with an instruction book, but quotes like this sometimes feel like they could be part of that manual and be words to live by. Xo, Michelle Just because we don’t share any DNA, does not mean they aren’t REAL family. Intentions, heart, and attitude have proven at times to be stronger than most I’ve known from people with whom I do share DNA. Following the suicide of my biological father - a man whom I adored and have only fond memories of, when I was five years old, I thought that my opportunity for having a dad was gone. But, a few years later my mom married a guy who has become a constant and loyal friend, protector, confidant and teacher. When I first learned that my mom was going to be remarrying, I was faced with a number of choices. What would I call him? Would he adopt me? Would I take his last name? It was a confusing time. But, even though I was only 8 or 9, he understood that I needed to make those choices and gave me every opportunity to work them out on my own. In the end, because my relationship with my biological father had been so strong, and the number of things I had left that had been his was few, I decided not to take my step dad's last name or be adopted. However, I did decide that what I would call him was “dad”... Not step-dad, just dad. (I also call his daughters my sisters. Although, we would all agree that we each thought of the other as an evil step-sister at times. I call his incredible mom my Grandma, etc.) He acted like a dad in every sense of the word. He helped provide for me, make sure I had clothes and food, and provide discipline when needed. He taught me to drive, slipped me money to go shopping with a friend without my mom knowing, and later when I was learning how to drink picked me up at 2 am on a couple of occasions without a word. He was tough but fair, reliable but a jokester. As time went on, my mother and I saw eye-to-eye less and less for a variety of reasons that I won’t go into. However, my dad was always there to lend an ear, offer insight, and provide the voice of reason in a way that I could hear. Today I do not speak with my mother, but do talk to my dad at least once a week. I will be forever grateful to the man who stepped in and how he helped shape my life into what it is today. He did not provide any DNA, but I know that his love for me is endless. Part of me believes that because I did not ever see him as a second-class parent the barriers to loving him were less. I was able to see his effort and appreciate them from the outset. Don’t get me wrong, he had his faults and made mistakes. His choices were confusing and hurt me more than once, but in the end, I know that his intention and heart were always thinking about what was in my best interest.
As a step-mom, I have always looked to that relationship and how he treated me as a guide to loving my own kiddos. Much like with my dad I do not call my step-kids anything other than “my kids“ even though they are quick to point out that I’m not their “real mom” to anyone who will listen. The sting of those words never goes away, no matter how many times I’ve heard it. I don’t have any desire to replace their mother or compete with her. But, from the beginning, I adored my kids and wanted to show them that another human in their life loved them. I often disagree with how we all co-parent, and from the start wished there had been more unity between the two houses instead of division and triangulation, but that wasn’t reality. It wasn’t fair to my husband to be the middleman, and it caused significant damage to our marriage. However, in the end, I know that much like my dad the title and name don’t matter. It’s the relationships that matter in the end. My intentions and heart are always thinking about what’s in the best interest of my kids and how I could help raise them into successful adults. When I think of the role my dad and kids have played in my life, I think that who I am and what I have learned from them have changed me for good. Xo, Michelle I love the taste of butter. It just has this amazing salty, slightly sweet, creamy way about it. It melts into my tastebuds like the grounds soaks up water after a rain. My love affair started at about age 10 when my Aunt Kimmy first introduced me. Before that, we had only had Country Crock in my house. I thought that butter always came in brown tubs. I literally had no idea that it didn't. It became my kryptonite. I wanted it on everything. Any time I get sick all I can think about is a delicious piece of toast with butter. Or noodles with butter. Oooh, or rice with butter and a splash of soy sauce. While others enjoy sweet treats, I tend to lean towards savory, salty, crunchy and creamy. Don't get me wrong, I like sugar just fine, but if given the choice between a dill pickle and a churro, I will pick the pickle any day of the week. We all have a guilty pleasure! I am grateful for my love of savory over sweet. Because of it, I tend to get far more fermented foods, nuts, but still consumed far too much of the high fat processed foods that are part of the everyday Western diet. Then, once adding into the equation I could not have gluten, my dietary habits changed significantly. No longer could I just eat what I had been.. every label had to be inspected for possible traces of gluten. And, the more I researched what the ingredients were, the more I learned how many trans-fats, added grams of sugar, and chemicals that I could not pronounce were in my foods. Even though I was feeling better overall, I was still not at optimal health. My body continued to have lots of inflammation and I caught almost every virus within the speed of light. My immune system was basically shot from nutritional deficiencies that come with having a damaged gut that cannot do its job, Fast forward to me starting my studies and the individual nutrients needed came into more focus. Even though I didn't really have a sweet tooth, my consumption of gluten free junk food was highlighted. At that point I realized that I needed to make more choices that had a fewer number of overall ingredients. Every bite I was taking had the ability to either make me feel better, or make me feel miserable. I was either fighting my disease and keeping it in remission, or feeding it. Every single bite was, and still is, a choice. Today, when I want something full of buttery goodness, I first reach for a handful of nuts to see if that satisfies my craving. When I want a sweet treat, I treat my body to fruit before I grab the chocolate. And, for every cup of coffee, I try to balance it out with at least one cup of water. I still love butter and salty, umami flavors, but strive for more of a balance diet. I might be a dietetics student, but we all have days where we falter and eat a giant plate of something that is "bad for us". The question is, are we conscious about these food choices, or are we on auto-pilot? Personally, I find that my awareness of my choices greatly influences my outcomes. Xo,
Michelle Why do I have such an amazing forgetter? This is now at least the 2nd spring semester that I decided to load up on units thinking I was some kind of super-human and then fallen ill half way through only to fall suuuuper far behind. By now one would think that the phrase I tell plenty of my students "Remember, the TORTOISE won!!" would be a piece of wisdom that I could apply to myself, but apparently there are just days, weeks and months that I forget. Since January I have been so engrossed in my studies that I have not had much of a social life.. my husband is basically holding the house together, and when I am not at work, school, or in my home office, chances are you can find me in bed sleeping, or wishing I was.. Somewhere I still have some friends that remember my name. hahha! I have gotten little bugs here and there, but last week I got hit with a case of hay fever that basically knocked me on my butt. I went to the doctor to be certain the fire in my throat was neither strep nor tonsillitis, and was at that time told that I needed bed rest, fluids and to determine whether or not I could maintain my current stress levels. Spring break seems a million miles away, and midterms are creeping closer and closer by the hour. To say that I might be having a minor internal pity part would be pretty darn accurate. Thursday til Sunday with the exception of a couple of errands, my butt was in bed. I did nothing that required energy besides making tea and watching TV between naps. Monday morning, I rallied for the students I Beacon tutor, but by noon was worn out. Tuesday it was an all day bed day again, and then Wednesday I made a minor appearance before my voice decided it had had enough. So, here I am, contemplating my next move and wishing I had a second version of myself to remind me that if I end up dropping a class it is not the end of the world, that college is a marathon - not a race, and that the only person who says I have to finish by an imposed date is myself. The thing is, in the end, I know that this too shall pass. At some point in the future, I will forget about this moment and only remember the students that have meant so much to me this semester, the professor who said I should consider becoming a professor myself, and how I wore the same rain boots half the semester because it was such a wet winter/spring season. In the end, it was not the speedy hare that won, it was the persevering tortoise. Slow and steady is better than fast and burnt-out. Xo,
Michelle I don't know about you, but scholarship season has been happening for me with many of the deadlines completing on March 1st. Part of me initially thought that there was no way I would get awarded any of them, but eventually I had a sit-down chat with myself and explained that there was no way to know unless I tried. Throughout the process, I found that I had to really get in touch with, and own my story. People always say that who you are makes you different from everyone else. Most of the time it just sounds like a cliche, but when it comes to scholarships or applying for a job or any other new opportunities, if we do not own who we are we miss out! It's not easy to talk about the things that I tried to convey, things reserved only for those that are trusted. But the scholarship process forced me to really explore what makes me unique, the combination of life experiences that are uniquely mine. It’s not a competition or comparison, just owning it. To say that my life has been perfect and I grew up without any negative effects would be one big fat lie. I struggled. A forking LOT! I struggled being the kid in Kindergarten trying to enjoy recess when a classmate asked me what it was like to “have your daddy die”. I struggled with fitting in while wearing glasses, braces and a perm all at once. Oh, the 90’s. I struggled to be the one who got called out of class to talk to CPS because my mother had slapped me in the face on school campus where people saw it. I struggled with academics because of the chaos at home and an immune system that did not function at full force which made me miss a ton of class. I struggled with grown men propositioning me for sex as a teenager. Some of whom were my parents’ friends. I struggled to understand why I was so underweight and got made fun of for being the “skinny girl” I struggled to make it look like I had it all together while I was falling apart inside. So, when it came time to write about some of the obstacles I have overcome in my life, I wondered how I could talk about any of that without sounding like a whining whiner. And then I remembered a time when I was in a group setting and told a small part of my story. After doing so, I had a man in a wheelchair tell me thank you for my honesty, because he “never knew pretty people had problems too”. No joke.. Exact words. That voice in my head reminded me that I know how to tell my story in a way that talks about the hope others can have knowing they are not alone in struggle. As I was writing, I focused on what I have learned from those experiences, not how I have been hardened by them, but instead the doors of opportunity they opened for me to become the woman I am today. Because without those experiences, I don’t know that I would care about some things as passionately as I do, and be as resilient and relentless and focused on building a better life. I don't know that it would be as passionate about helping other people who struggle, or find so much joy in explaining that it’s OK to be different. Most of all, I know that I do not have to be ashamed of my struggles. When I embrace them, own them, and let them be, I become a little more free to be uniquely me., The other day I was driving on the freeway and saw the licence plate in front of me. WHEN Nothing else. No bracket to give it context. Just one single word. And I thought.. how many times have I asked that question, or thought about it without much thought. "When?" - I know that I'm ___ and don't have a degree and it is on my bucket-list... I'll get around to it. When? - Someday when I .... then blah blah... - I'll be happy when I get to... Better yet.. Remember when...? "When" is one of those words that is the opposite of the present. It's about the past or the future. One of the things I have learned about life up to this point is that both the past and the future are futile places to live because we really have no influence over them. All we have is the present moment. We have NOW. Today. There is no way for me to express how grateful I am for that basic truth... The truth that there is no yesterday or tomorrow in the now. There is no resentment or anxiety in the now. There is just what is. ONE day. TODAY. That is all I have. When is not a question... When is not on the table... I am either living the life I want to live or I am not. I am following my dreams or I am not. Guess Yoda had a point... "Do or do not. There is no try.” Give TODAY all you have. It won't be enough for some, but don't live for the critics. Get your ass kicked doing all you can to be the best version of yourself, and enjoy every moment of it. Because, maybe that when we have been waiting for is never coming. Let's face it, middle school is a tough time. The hours of homework, emails to and from teachers, constantly checking grades and the planner to make sure everything is getting turned in on time.. And that is just for ME! But seriously, I remember middle school being terrible. Socially. Academically, Physically.. it all sucked. There is a good chance I cried after school about 50% of the days from school stuff and then another 25% of the days cuz of family stuff. I thought it was just because my classmates remained essentially the same from second through eighth grades, We were like siblings - all 16 of us picked on, fought with, and fiercely protected one another. A perfect example was between Peter (alias) and I. He LOOOOVED all things Nirvana. played guitar, had the coolest curly hair, and once asked me to be his girlfriend then recanted just hours later. I, conversely was obsessed with Boyz II Men, had stick straight hair and huge bifocal glasses. The thing was, our school had a no "band t-shirt" policy. Being the angelic middle schooler I was, I promptly alerted administration when he wore a Nirvana "band" t-shirt, and in the end, we both were prohibited from wearing shirts featuring our favorite singing groups, because he was persuasive in arguing that while Boyz II Men didn't play instruments, the spirit of the rule should be taken into account. Ugh! I couldn't even be that mad at him. He was right! Now, with our third, and youngest, kid in 7th grade, I can see that the suck-fest that I remember is just how it is. I can see similar things happening in our son's life as he tries to navigate peer pressure, insecurity, a social life, extra curricular activities, hormones, and hygiene. Not to mention the switching from class to class, staying organized, being responsible, and trying to be independent while also needing us and his mom. While he doesn't talk on the phone all evening with friends about nothing with the possibility of a parent picking up another line and listening in, there is plenty of "talking" between gaming, DMs, texting and Facetime. How these tweens cope with all of the pressure of technology, Instagram, Snapchat, Twitter and other outlets feeding them with how to be cool on top of whats happening in school is beyond my comprehension. Now more than ever I am seeing how important it is to set priorities and good habits. These skills are crucial for his academic, professional, and relationship success in the future. As a tutor to many students who did not have accountability at home when they were this age, I happen to know that it is really tough to teach older dogs new tricks. Lucky for me, our son's mom is open to communication and wants to have harmony between the homes. So, while there is a lot that is different from when we were kids because of technology and marketing, a lot really is the same. Both of our homes agree about these things.. Kids today still need to learn:
Parents today still need to learn:
I've read some amazing books over the years that help keep the whole attitude in perspective, and they have helped me tremendously. Here are a list of just a few of my favorites:
* I am never compensated for my thoughts and suggestions for resources. This is just a list of books that have helped me. |
AuthorI'm Michelle, and I've got a full plate! As a full-time dietetics student, step-mom, wife, study coach, and tutor in my late 30's, some days I'm barely scraping by. But, no matter what is on my plate, it's always gluten free! Categories
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