Most days I work really hard to be in alignment and balance in all parts of my life. It’s not easy. The stakes are high, and have cost me relationships and some pretty tough work on occasion. But for me, it’s a necessary thing. If I don’t work hard at those things the outcomes are a nightmare. The choices are self destructive and impulsive and reactionary, all in response to my internal sense of not being okay. Like, probably 80% of the time I am walking around looking perfectly normal on the outside while my insides are on high alert. It's just my reality, a reality that seems as much a part of me as the scar on my right palm. Here we are in the midst of a global pandemic, and yet remarkably I'm fairly calm.. A couple of articles have recently come out saying that CPTSD survivors, and those in 12 step programs, as well as step-moms are among the people that are best adapting to today's circumstances. not to brag, but I've got all three bases covered. But the path to having the coping skills to get here hasn't been pretty - unless you mean, pretty awful!! In the fall of 2016 while the nation was trying to tell truth from lies so that we could elect a leader for the next four years, I was recovering from a car accident. The car had been totaled, and between the pain in my lower back, fear of being back in a car, difficulty walking more than 15 feet, and the pressure I felt to get back to work - I was feeling a smidgen crazy. What I didn't know at that time was that the car accident had dislodged a fuckton (yes, it is an actual measurement) of trauma from my past. Somehow, it was as if an avalanche was forming in the background. Looking back, there were signs... The day I sat in Chipotle with my favorite coworkers and literally stopped hearing any voices in the loud restaurant as hard as I tried... The general lack of direction or focus on simple tasks... Crying at everything... The feeling that I could disappear and nobody would notice... My complete inability to be grateful for anything... I was slowly becoming more and more not okay. When I look back, I was obviously holding ot all together with a zip tie, duct tape and a shoelace. Not very good tools when other lives are being affected, and certainly not a good look. Fast forward to about one year after the accident and I was acutely aware that things were becoming intolerable. The car insurance companies were playing games, medical bills had piled up, I was failing a class, having terrible nightmares, and my heart was racing so hard that no breathing exercises could help to slow things down. I would lay in bed, heart pounding so hard it was deafening. I was terrified. So, I did the only thing I knew how to do. I asked for help. I called my healthcare provider and told them that I needed to see someone. Today!!! They provided me with an address and said that appointments were not an option, so I would have to go in and wait. It wasn't very long before I was hearing about something called ACES (adverse childhood experiences) and their effects. Don't get me wrong, I knew that stuff had happened, but honestly, I thought stuff happened to all kids. Okay, yeah, I had seen people being hit.. Hell, I was hit plenty of times. CPS doesn’t come to your school and interview you about how your mom treats you for no reason. And, I knew that not everyone had a father who had committed suicide.. But, there was no way it was that bad. Right!? Except that it was. My score is greater than a 4. In fact, it's double that. There is no data that I can find to say how many people have a similar score, but I can say that only 12.5% of the population has 4 or more. Want to know your score, click here. Here's the thing, I am more than just an ACE score. I am more than someone whose immune system is compromised because of toxic stress levels over a significant time-span, any labels, or titles. I am more than my circumstances. There are still a lot of days, even now, when I am not okay. Healing is not a linear process. Recovery for someone with complex PTSD is not a cakewalk. But, I have tools and a great group of spiritually sound women in my corner. I have a husband who loves me and supports me in this life even on the days he doesn't understand a daggone thing I do. So, if you are feeling not okay please know that chances are I am over here struggling and not okay too. Being a human among other hurting humans means we get banged up. We fall down. (some more than others) But, we always have the opportunity to own the yuck and share with the people who have earned the right to know our truth, wipe off the tears, and practice compassion with ourselves. Just remember - It's okay to not be okay. If you want to know more about ACES, check out the CDC's website - click here Healing is possible, but the only way to the other side of it is through the pain. Its rough work, but the payoffs are incredible. Xo, Michelle
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AuthorI'm Michelle, and I've got a full plate! As a full-time dietetics student, step-mom, wife, study coach, and tutor in my late 30's, some days I'm barely scraping by. But, no matter what is on my plate, it's always gluten free! Categories
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