The other day I was driving on the freeway and saw the licence plate in front of me. WHEN Nothing else. No bracket to give it context. Just one single word. And I thought.. how many times have I asked that question, or thought about it without much thought. "When?" - I know that I'm ___ and don't have a degree and it is on my bucket-list... I'll get around to it. When? - Someday when I .... then blah blah... - I'll be happy when I get to... Better yet.. Remember when...? "When" is one of those words that is the opposite of the present. It's about the past or the future. One of the things I have learned about life up to this point is that both the past and the future are futile places to live because we really have no influence over them. All we have is the present moment. We have NOW. Today. There is no way for me to express how grateful I am for that basic truth... The truth that there is no yesterday or tomorrow in the now. There is no resentment or anxiety in the now. There is just what is. ONE day. TODAY. That is all I have. When is not a question... When is not on the table... I am either living the life I want to live or I am not. I am following my dreams or I am not. Guess Yoda had a point... "Do or do not. There is no try.” Give TODAY all you have. It won't be enough for some, but don't live for the critics. Get your ass kicked doing all you can to be the best version of yourself, and enjoy every moment of it. Because, maybe that when we have been waiting for is never coming.
0 Comments
Resolutions? Nope. Not something I do... They tend to be lofty ideals that are set ups for failure. Sabotage. Instead, I like to do a closing ceremony for last year. Look at all that was beautiful as well as what sucked a giant bag of donkey balls! It helps me reflect, see where I’m on the path I want to be - what was completely outside of my control, and where I can make improvements. Then, I like to visualize the year ahead. Close my eyes and feel how it would feel if I could have my best year. How would my body feel? What emotions would be the basis for the year? THAT is my start. After that, I think about goals, adventures, books I want to read, and try to set tangible ways to get my intentions in line with how I want my body to feel. This is is my plan for 2019 Rituals. Daily Focus. Just one small thing per day. Smiling Saturday
The daily practice does not have to be one of the bullets. There are hundreds of ways to do each of the basic intentional and underlying motivations. The bullets are only suggestions for the days I am stuck. Because let's face it. Stuck happens! I want to live in a body that feels good, light, flexible and resilient, which means it cannot be fixed on shame, self-loathing, amygdala hijack, or other negativity breeding states. One. Just ONE intentional thought per day. That is all I am asking of myself this year. If you are in my sphere, chances are you have heard me talk about my "hula-hoop". But, for those that don't know me well, it can be a bit confusing. So, today I will attempt to explain... In my mid-20's I was struggling a lot with relationships, frustration, my life's purpose and path. It was pre celiac diagnosis, so the chronic pain I was in was only making it all that much worse. I was miserable. I was angry. I was a mess. Somehow, I made it to a group of women who were on a path to a happier life, and one night as we were talking, someone said "pretend there is a hula-hoop around your feet - what's inside of that, you can control - what's outside, you can't." That image stuck! From learning that empathy is not about feeling for people, to recognizing that "no" is a perfectly acceptable response, slowly but surely I have embraced the philosophy. And, honestly, at the end of the day realized that it is really all about having clear boundaries. Know where I start and end, as well as where others begin and end. This means that I have had to learn to be responsible for my words, choices, feelings my attitudes, thoughts, and how I respond to others. On the other had, I had to learn that I am not responsible for those things in others. Furthermore, I cannot control the past, the future, natural disasters, the news, or political climates. I do not tolerate a lot of bullshit in my life today, and that is part of the process for me. I speak up when my needs are not being met, people are asking for things I cannot give, and when people step too far into my hula-hoop and attempt to have a say over things that are not their responsibility. On the other hand, I give a lot of myself to others through mentorship, tutoring, step-parenting and coaching. Boundaries don't mean keeping people out, it means holding myself and others accountable so that I can give what I have to this world without feeling abused, mistreated, resentful or like that mid-20s version of me that was in so much pain. Today boundaries are my safe place, and my hula-hoop reminds me that I have control over my future and mental health. It is the middle of the semester. The point where the newness has worn off, midterms are happening and the end is too far in the distance to see the finish line. It's the part where when asked how I'm doing I say with a scrunched up face, "exhausted", "busy", or simply let out a groan. I'm behind on laundry and chores, I'm cranky with my husband and the kids, with a side of yelling when I reach my limit. It's not always pretty. As a busy student, I neither have the time nor the desire to read a single word that I do not absolutely have to. So, instead I borrow audio-books from the library and listen to them on my commute to and from school or work. Recently I was listening to Brene Brown's Rising Strong, and was struck by the part that talked about not being able to skip the middle. It's the part where we do something she calls the "rumble". As I listen to myself and others talking about how we don't have the time, feel overwhelmed and begin blaming professors for stalled learning, it's clear we are in the middle. We need to take a look at our narratives closely.
Personally this is where I need to look at that story in my head, planted in 5th grade that said I would never be in the medical field, because I wasn't good enough at math or science. It was a lie then, and it is still a lie today. Somehow though, when I get tired, frustrated, and haven't been taking care of my emotional health, the message resurfaces. In those moments I cannot see my accomplishments, the people around me who love me, or even how funny a TV show is. I can only hear that old tape. The lens through which I see myself is unnecessarily dark; it's filled with shame and fear and frustration. Every load of laundry left undone, toilet left un-scrubbed, and point missed on a quiz all of the sudden look like a thousand ways I am a failure. I lose perspective. Listening to Brene, I was reminded that it is in these moments perhaps I need to get more creative. Instead of moving ahead with the status quo, I need to tap into my vulnerability. Maybe I need to look at my husband and tell him that I need help with the laundry. Perhaps, instead of blaming the professor for why I "don't get it", he sucks, and I'm going to fail, I can look at my part and accept responsibility for the fact that I'm not up with the reading or homework, and regather focus. The middle of the semester is the part where we have lost motivation, but need to find it again. For me, this means looking at Brene's words and searching for healthy answers through setting boundaries, asking for help, staying accountable, looking at my shitty self-talk, and reconnecting with my husband and tribe. Today I will give myself permission to feel the struggle, recognize the story, and then decide how it ends. |
AuthorI'm Michelle, and I've got a full plate! As a full-time dietetics student, step-mom, wife, study coach, and tutor in my late 30's, some days I'm barely scraping by. But, no matter what is on my plate, it's always gluten free! Categories
All
Archives
August 2020
|