Most days I work really hard to be in alignment and balance in all parts of my life. It’s not easy. The stakes are high, and have cost me relationships and some pretty tough work on occasion. But for me, it’s a necessary thing. If I don’t work hard at those things the outcomes are a nightmare. The choices are self destructive and impulsive and reactionary, all in response to my internal sense of not being okay. Like, probably 80% of the time I am walking around looking perfectly normal on the outside while my insides are on high alert. It's just my reality, a reality that seems as much a part of me as the scar on my right palm. Here we are in the midst of a global pandemic, and yet remarkably I'm fairly calm.. A couple of articles have recently come out saying that CPTSD survivors, and those in 12 step programs, as well as step-moms are among the people that are best adapting to today's circumstances. not to brag, but I've got all three bases covered. But the path to having the coping skills to get here hasn't been pretty - unless you mean, pretty awful!! In the fall of 2016 while the nation was trying to tell truth from lies so that we could elect a leader for the next four years, I was recovering from a car accident. The car had been totaled, and between the pain in my lower back, fear of being back in a car, difficulty walking more than 15 feet, and the pressure I felt to get back to work - I was feeling a smidgen crazy. What I didn't know at that time was that the car accident had dislodged a fuckton (yes, it is an actual measurement) of trauma from my past. Somehow, it was as if an avalanche was forming in the background. Looking back, there were signs... The day I sat in Chipotle with my favorite coworkers and literally stopped hearing any voices in the loud restaurant as hard as I tried... The general lack of direction or focus on simple tasks... Crying at everything... The feeling that I could disappear and nobody would notice... My complete inability to be grateful for anything... I was slowly becoming more and more not okay. When I look back, I was obviously holding ot all together with a zip tie, duct tape and a shoelace. Not very good tools when other lives are being affected, and certainly not a good look. Fast forward to about one year after the accident and I was acutely aware that things were becoming intolerable. The car insurance companies were playing games, medical bills had piled up, I was failing a class, having terrible nightmares, and my heart was racing so hard that no breathing exercises could help to slow things down. I would lay in bed, heart pounding so hard it was deafening. I was terrified. So, I did the only thing I knew how to do. I asked for help. I called my healthcare provider and told them that I needed to see someone. Today!!! They provided me with an address and said that appointments were not an option, so I would have to go in and wait. It wasn't very long before I was hearing about something called ACES (adverse childhood experiences) and their effects. Don't get me wrong, I knew that stuff had happened, but honestly, I thought stuff happened to all kids. Okay, yeah, I had seen people being hit.. Hell, I was hit plenty of times. CPS doesn’t come to your school and interview you about how your mom treats you for no reason. And, I knew that not everyone had a father who had committed suicide.. But, there was no way it was that bad. Right!? Except that it was. My score is greater than a 4. In fact, it's double that. There is no data that I can find to say how many people have a similar score, but I can say that only 12.5% of the population has 4 or more. Want to know your score, click here. Here's the thing, I am more than just an ACE score. I am more than someone whose immune system is compromised because of toxic stress levels over a significant time-span, any labels, or titles. I am more than my circumstances. There are still a lot of days, even now, when I am not okay. Healing is not a linear process. Recovery for someone with complex PTSD is not a cakewalk. But, I have tools and a great group of spiritually sound women in my corner. I have a husband who loves me and supports me in this life even on the days he doesn't understand a daggone thing I do. So, if you are feeling not okay please know that chances are I am over here struggling and not okay too. Being a human among other hurting humans means we get banged up. We fall down. (some more than others) But, we always have the opportunity to own the yuck and share with the people who have earned the right to know our truth, wipe off the tears, and practice compassion with ourselves. Just remember - It's okay to not be okay. If you want to know more about ACES, check out the CDC's website - click here Healing is possible, but the only way to the other side of it is through the pain. Its rough work, but the payoffs are incredible. Xo, Michelle
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A favorite of my family is this Pad See Ew recipe that I have been working to perfect for a while now.. and, after countless tries, I think it's finally 100% perfect. My youngest often asks for it.. But what I really want to talk about here is.. Anyone remember that time I got recognized as a Chemistry Student of the Year? Yeah, I forget sometimes too. Except for when I run into Francesca who was also recognized for her work at our school in the department. She likes to remind me that we are "outstanding" and thus perhaps ought to have our own minions or some kind of special powers. To say that she is funny is about the biggest understatement there has ever been. But, Fran also has the massive gut-wrenching pain that comes with "being glutened" and the absolute fear of eating things that other people prepare because well, it sucks! So, because I know she loves food, hates cooking it, and generally enjoys a good essay about people on a blog before the recipe.... Bahahhahha Who am I kidding!? That girl regularly rants about the intro like the one above and how absolutely senseless it is.. So, because of her you will get nothing more from me besides a couple of photos and the recipe. ENJOY!! Sauce
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Love ya Fran! Xo, Michelle 168 hours That’s all there is. We can’t make more. They go by as they go by. We have only 168 hours per week to do everything that needs to get done. Like a cash only life, when there is nothing left, it’s gone - there’s no such thing as overdraft protection with our time. The other day I was feeling ragged, worn out and like I was burning the candle at both ends, That's when I realized I had NOT done my usual practice and planned out my semester like I usually do. I forgot to budget my time before adding in any extras. There are a few non-negotiable items in my life that include
However, going from working in PMOs to being a student included a HUGE pay-cut, and I still struggle with my value if I am not bringing home a regular paycheck that helps support my family. I am lucky enough to have a husband who fully supports my education and makes a decent wage but that feeling still nags at me. And, I absolutely loooooooove helping students each semester as a tutor, and may possibly be addicted to that feeling (recovering codependent here) of seeing the light come on when a student makes connections. When I have students come in for Tutor coaching, one of the first things we do is look at how they spend those 168 hours. Sleep, grooming, preparing eating and cleaning up after meals, commutes, work, and time in class. If there are family commitments, church, jobs, or other sports hobbies etc. we add those in too. The farther down the list we get, the more we realize that time is running out. The good news is that we have more control over that time than what we pretend to. I wish I could say that I made my own worksheets, but I did not. However, there are countless ways to track this time. Personally, I like to use this worksheet from University of Manitoba in Canada. If you are a student, it automatically figures out the idea amount of time to study based on the units for that semester, and for non-students, leaving the school areas blank allows for the same basic functionality and seeing concretely where we are taking out loans against relationships, interests, etc. If you want to look at how you are spending your week, click the box below to download the tracker I use. Xo,
Michelle I hear people talking all the time about how they wish they could go back and be young again. It is one thing that has NEVER sounded like an enticing idea to me - not even for one minute! You see, my childhood was pretty full of loss, sadness and feelings of loneliness. Those things take time to process and get healing from when you don't have the right kinds of support and early intervention. And the tripping and falling and bumps and bruises that come with the healing process can be just as painful. Take for instance the time I lived with my aunt and uncle in Michigan for 3 months at the age of 20. I had looked at the community college there and had hoped to start a new life full of promise away from my childhood. But, I had no tools to handle that moment when my aunt told me that I had disappointed her with my behavior. Coupled with the sticker shock of non-resident tuition and a retail job I dreaded having to go to, it just seemed easier to go back "home" to California. When I think of that moment - when I decided to "go home" - it had FEAR written all over it! As in my favorite acronym for the word, "f**k everything and RUN"!! The better choice may have been to "face everything and rise".. but I wasn't in a place of healing. Fast forward to this year, for my 39th birthday - landing in Detroit and seeing this same aunt and having so much joy in my heart. It was the first time we had been eyeball to eyeball since the day before I moved away from her house. We spent some really nice quality time together and I got to sit with her and tell her that I was broken and handled the situation poorly. A lot of the same situations have happened throughout the years. With life lived I have also gained wisdom. That wisdom translates into humility (not humiliation), new behaviors, goals, and amends being made. I like being the woman I am today. I like knowing that I have tools to do things and handle situations in new ways without throwing pity parties of one. I love being 39! And, I love that my soul is finally settling into a high quality existence that in some places would be defined as "fine" My neighbor is about the sweetest human ever! Originally from Hong Kong, she is now in her 80's and speaks very little English. Over the years, I have done my usual neighborly things, taking over jars of plum jam when I make enough for an army, giving her dozens of persimmons when my tree ripens and taking over a small Christmas gift each year. Over time, she and I have developed quite a bond and she now calls me her 7th kid. Recently she told me that her kumquat tree is ripe, and I was thrilled! When eaten whole, with the skins and flesh together, these little babies are what I call "Nature's Sour Patch Kids"! They are sweet and tart, firm yet soft.. all the things a good candy has. Except that instead of being loaded up with sugar and ingredients I cannot pronounce, it's filled with a cornucopia of nutrients as well as a little burst of juice when the flesh is pierced. As if being an amazing replacement for candy isn't enough these little babies pack more fiber in just five little pieces of fruit than a cup of broccoli by nearly 2 grams! Talk about staying regular. Not to mention 59mg calcium, 19mg magnesium, 41g vitamin C, and 177mg of potassium.
So, if you can find some of these babies, I hope you will give them a try. I think you will find that they are a great treat when you are craving something a little tart while a little sweet. Do you know how to utilize your $150 textbook? As a tutor, my goal is to create independent students who not only know the material, but how to learn it when I am not available for help. So, the first 2-3 minutes of every session start off with the following questions:
Now this can go for any subject, from Anthropology to Algebra and everything in between, so the questions are universal and don't really change from student to student. The thing is, when I ask what tools students are using, they rarely cite their textbook or professor as a tool. Instead, it will be YouTube videos, another student, or maybe even "nothing" that they reference. I cannot tell you how many times I have asked a student to open the book and ask if they know how to read it. Most look at me like I am nuts, but some admit that they don't know what I am talking about.. especially math students. It's baffling how many students, after teaching them how to read their textbook, look at me with tears and say thank you because nobody taught them before. Here are my tips to help students learn how to read the textbook to understand.
Here's a quick look at my notebook pages - Click on each to zoom If you are a classmate, professor, or student I tutor, you will likely see a notebook like the one above with an index in the first few pages, followed by chapter notes that follow with objectives, vocab, and key learnings written down. For me, this has many benefits - The first is that because I generally make my notes prior to class, I don't have to lug the entire textbook with me to have key information at my fingertips. Second, when I go to see my tutor, I can check for understanding on certain things that I am not 100% clear about. Finally, organization pays off - and if I have rented the textbook and the book is due 5 days before my final (like this fall), my notebook and past exams are all I really need to study. Personally, I am a proponent of writing things down because for me, reading words requires only the reading of letters, which form sentences, which have to be give meaning through a range of internal processes. However, writing things down requires reading, processing the information, and then using a different part of your brain to physically use a pencil to write those ideas down. Somewhere I read that writing it down is like reading it 7 times. Probably not true, but I can promise that the things I write (not type) I remember much better and can even visualize where in my notebook I wrote it down, which for me can help when taking a quiz of exam. We all have our fair share of good days and bad, but sometimes they all seem like bad days when we lose perspective. That's why keeping trackers is helpful. One of my best girls has been struggling a lot lately with feeling unsupported by those around her. I have been there and done that! As a step-mom there are a LOT of days that I feel alone in my struggles, especially with the teens acting like teens! So, in an effort to help while staying in my hula-hoop, I decided to create a tracker for the both of us to use! Why, because I take a whole bunch of science classes for my major, and science requires data to see trends and provide evidence for the "truth".. Our feelings are rarely based on facts. The idea is to make it simple. At the top, just make a dot above the day of the month in the region that feels most accurate for the day. Then, on the bottom, make notes about specific events. This can be as simple as "asked for this thing I needed" or even "so-and-so made a snarky comment". No matter what the note, they can help provide added insights into what's at the root of the issue.
Joining support groups can be helpful, but don't always help us to really see the truth of our circumstances. I can honestly tell you that there are days when they save my ass a whole lot! If you need a little perspective, feel free to download your own copy using the button above. The thing about tutoring.. Well, there are lots of things, but the thing I love the MOST about being a tutor is watching the evolution of students. So darned many of them walk in the first time with a giant pile of excuses as to why they won't be able to pass the class and I basically tell them that "we don't do that here", so if they wanna whine they might need to find someone else. The people that stick around are the ones that really want it! They are willing to go through the hard crap, fight through the shitty quiz and exam scores and make it to the week before the final when often times I am helping them figure out their possibilities of getting a passing grade. This past week we had a potluck where we celebrated how far they had come this semester and we talked about what was going to be on the final.
It was bittersweet. But at the end of the day I am sooooooooo beyond proud of all of my students because they TRIED! There are hundreds of their classmates who did not make it to the end of the semester because it was just "too hard"... So I will say it again.. I am proud of them for trying, because even if they fail, it is just a first attempt in learning and they made it farther than even they though that they could! CONGRATULATIONS! Xo, Michelle |
AuthorI'm Michelle, and I've got a full plate! As a full-time dietetics student, step-mom, wife, study coach, and tutor in my late 30's, some days I'm barely scraping by. But, no matter what is on my plate, it's always gluten free! Categories
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